I need help on this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! serious replys only!! especially need advice from men!!!?

I was raped when I was 16 yrs. old and never told anyone. I never told anyone because it was partly my fault. Now I am 31 yrs old and am happily married. My problem is I don't know how to ask my husband for sex.! In the 13 yrs we have been married I have never asked for it, wanted to but could not bring myself to say what was in my head. My husband thinks its because I don't want him and that is so not true. How do I ask him for sex and not feel like a sl*t? What do I say? This is a serious question, please be nice and helpful to me! Also if he says no how do I not feel rejected and unwanted?I need help on this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! serious replys only!! especially need advice from men!!!?
Ask him with actions, not with words. Take the initiative to start some foreplay.I need help on this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! serious replys only!! especially need advice from men!!!?
Try keeping it in your head that asking him is fine, cuz you HAVE a license. Your marriage license is the green light for ANYTHING you and your spouse want to do sexually. Yes, it IS rather silly, but it may help. As for IF you get turned down- just figure on getting double next time. LOL Lady, sex is supposed to be fun, so just try to relax, and not be too serious.
First of all odds are he will not say no. Secondly you were the victim years ago, put it behind you and let it go or it will eat you alive. There is nothing wrong with you letting the man you love know what you want. It doesn't make you anything, but a woman wanting to be with her husband.
First, men don't respond to requests. We respond to action! It could be something as subtle as rubbing his cheek or sitting in his lap or just putting on the right clothes/heels. He'll get that message! Secondly, if it's a problem...talk about it with him and ask how does he like to find out someone is interested..then, do those things!
take nice bath then jump him...lol say i want it now give bj he wont complain and he will understand what it is u want
As somone else said,ask with actions,not words.
Asking him with actions is great advice. Then, you don't have to actually say it out loud until you are comfortable. If he turns you down, it doesn't mean he doesn't want you or is rejecting you (unless he almost always turns you down). He'll be so happy you are asking he won't say no. He obviously does want you or he wouldn't be upset about you not asking for it. Once you're used to ';making the first move'; you may begin to feel comfortable actually saying it.





Also, I do think you should tell your husband. He won't be mad at you. It is very common for women to feel ashamed, although they shouldn't, and I seriously doubt it was your fault in any way. Many women don't tell anyone. I'm sure your husband knows this. The loser who did it tricked you into thinking that it was. Explain to him that you never told anyone and that it happened when you were in high school and you've been to ashamed to every say anything, but you think he should know and it explains some of your behavior that makes him feel rejected. He'll feel better knowing that the problem isn't how you feel about him. He'll be glad you trust him enough to go to him with such matters. Also, he'll know that you need help and he will be glad to be there for you. Start going to counseling if you need to. Ask him to go with to a few sessions if you feel comfortable with it. It may also be good for him to go by himself. If you give the doc permission, he/she can help your husband help you, which I'm sure he will want to do. You're husband and you will feel much closer, having a newfound understanding of each other.





Think of this: he can't know how to respond to you until he knows exactly what he is dealing with.
First and foremost he won't say no. Why don't you just do this instead. You know when he's coming home right? Take a sower before he comes. Get into a very sexy negligee, and have all the lights off except for a couple of candles. Have a bottle of cold wine and two glasses. When you open the door, he'll know what you want.
Honestly tell him what happened to you and how its hard for you to initiate because of it. For Pete's sake, he is your husband. This is the kind of stuff you tell only him because he is your partner.





If you really want to do this you need to walk up to him, kiss him and whisper in his ear how you want him to take you (run your hand up his leg towards his crotch while you whisper)....





Take you all over the house literally.
Ok, first, please, go get some counseling for you past. I don't believe that being the victim of a rape is EVER your fault...not even a little bit. NO means NO.


And just talk with your husband, be honest and up-front with him. Tell him the whole story.


Or better yet, have the both of you go to counseling. You need to heal.


Good luck.
just initiate the foreplay, you know rubbing and touching him on certain spots. i doubt that he would turn you down. also you are married to him and i don't think he would call you a slut if you asked for it.
I agree with John K - actions speak louder than words. I, too, would feel awkward saying something like ';honey, can we go have sex now?'; But touching, kissing, being playful usually gets the message across. You don't need to say anything at all.
Brave question!





As an aside, I don't see how you can be partly responsible for a rape, but if you say that it is so, then that is a sobering and stark thing to admit to and face up to, and good for you if it is indeed true.





As for your asking for sex, you have to do it little by little. But instead of asking for sex, why don't you just go up to him, put your arm around his waist and give him a nice kiss? Or come up behind him and start kissing his neck, or massaging his arms, and then work your way down.





Dress up in something spicy or slutty....and by the way, between married folks, 'slutty' is A-OK !! But anyway...put something sexy, or revealing on. Just do something that let's him know you're ready for a little mattress rodeo! If you can get his attention with some small initial things like this, then it will be easier for you to do more later.





Good luck to you both......happy hunting! ;)
Dont ask, just let your body initate it. Actions speak louder than words. You might just have to come out and tell him about what happend to you for him to understand completely.
Start slow.


Walk up quietly one night and ask, '; honey would you take me to bed, now please.';


Be direct and leave no room for ambiguity. You know how dense guys can be.


The rest is easy.





As for feeling like a sl*t, there is none of that between husband and wife nor should there be. You are his.


He may be surprised at first because you have never started things. Don't view hesitation as rejection. The first time may leave him stunned. Just let him know you have been thinking that you may have been letting him down with the initiation going one way for so long.


He should really appreciate that. Guys like to be desired every bit as much as women and not enough goes on both ways.


As for subtle hugging, kissing and the like be very aware that it may not work. Guys like the direct approach. Besides the biggest sexual organ is between the ears. The quickest way to that erotic zone is through the ears and eyes.


Remember this and don't forget to tell him if there is a snag.


You are doing this for him and your own confidence which will only help him.


Try not to get to wrapped up in rejection. Guys do not often think of ';no'; or ';not right now'; as rejection. We get that enough in our lives to view it as a challange. Take that attitude and all is well.


From the tone of your question it sounds like he has asked you to start things more anyway. If he has a bit of sense he will say YES without and hesitation and reward you greatly for the effort.


Good for you for thinking of it.





BTW, I understand your past makes it difficult for you but in the big picture that episode is gone and need not enter into this situation. You can allow yourself to venture out again especially with your husband who will have your best interest at heart. There is big difference between a person who loves you and is concious of your well being and those that do not.


Again. good for you for trying.
Just tease him. And make the moves
Sorry I am not a man. Wait a minute, no matter the circumstances if you were raped it was NOT your fault. No way no how. OK if you then believe that then you must know your feelings about sex are alittle scary.


I believe you should tell your husband you want to ask for sex at times but you are afraid he will reject you. You will see how much he loves you and WANTS you to want him. Good luck
First of all.....How do you figure being raped was partly your fault? NOBODY ever deserves to be raped. I really think you should talk to a sex therapist....you have some deep seeded issues that are most likely contributed to the rape....these issues should be explored and dealt with.
For starters, according to your question your husband does want you. Second, you will not be a sl*t because you are asking for sex to your husband. Third, don't ask, just take him. He will probably enjoy something spontaneous since he does not expect it from you. Put on one of his shirts with no underware on and sit facing him and start kissing him. Everything else WILL follow. ;)
First option you have is this actions speak louder than words...Start off by kissing him and then start touching him take his hands and place them on areas you want to touched....Make sure to wear something sexy even if its a bra and a thong also buy these items in his favorite color!!





Second option....tell him straight out that i want you now and he will respond...to spice it up some say it to him while your naked or sneak into the shower with him...





Third..Leave him a note, send him an email or text message and make it kinky sexy and hot...tell him what you want to do to him and what you want him to do to you...





Or wait til he is asleep and then start doing whatever you want to him to get him aroused and ready to go that way when he wakes up he knows what to do...





Chances are he wont say no...but if he does don't feel bad and try again another day with a different approach





Good luck and dont stop trying until you get what you want
First of all your husband obviously wants you. Second, if you want him just take it. don't ask, there is no man alive especially your husband that is going to turn you down. I could be half dead and if my wife would attack me, game on!!!
You need to see a professional to deal with the trauma from your childhood. It's obvious that you think it's having an effect on you. And I'd share it with your husband so that he can understand why you might be reluctant to initiate sex. BTW, how is being raped partly your fault? Either you were forced to have sex against your will or you weren't.
oh thats easy get a shower then flash him the goods, maybe massage his member while he's not expecting it. ask him how he would feel about different out of the ordinary sex, if he don't get the hint moon him.
First off...the rape was NOT ';partly your fault';. I don't know the exact circumstances, but rape is NEVER your fault. It is totally the fault of the attacker.





As for your question - just ask him. You're not a sl*t for asking - you're his wife. Part of the marriage relationship is being intimate with each other.





If he says no, don't worry about it (I know that's easier said than done). Maybe he's just tired, stressed out from work, etc.





Above all - seek some counseling. The rape appears to have made some impacts on your self esteem and ability to express intimacy.





Good luck and God bless.
Start small with your requests from him. I'm betting it isn't just sex you don't ask for. Do you kiss him when you want to? If not, start with that. You will see that he isn't going to reject you very often. Work your way up to asking him for sex. Also a little hint. A lot of guys love it when their woman just initiates sex. She doesn't have to ask. She starts unzipping things and BAM.


As for the rejection thing. Remember that we all have moods. You might hit him at just the wrong time. Something hectic is going on and he just can't get into it. The point is, he is NOT rejecting you. It isn't about you. It is about his current mood and feelings. Remember, he is your husband and he loves you. You can trust him and you can be as open with him as you want to be.
FIRST OF ALL....it is NOT ';partly your fault'; you were raped. You need counseling to help you realize that rape is more than just forced sex. You were raped and you were victimized and you're still suffering the trauma of it.





Secondly, you're not a slut for liking sex. You'll also need counseling to help you realize this for the truth it is.





*I* would suggest that you get the counseling/therapy you need to help you deal with these issues.





Afterward, I do believe you need to sit down and have a serious, no-holds-barred talk with your husband. If he's half the man I t hink he is (and I believe him to be a good man), he will listen to you and not judge you at all.





Please, please...don't delay...please seek counseling/therapy so you can have the happy life you deserve!





Good luck and God bless you and your family.
yup, john k is right. actions not words.





also, asking for sex, whether verbally or physically, does not make you a sl*t. you can't be a sl*t by being with your husband.





if you feel that being raped was partly your fault, please consider a counselor; she will be so much better than the yahoo answers community.
GO TO DINNER AND DANCING THEN GET OUT THE CANDLES AND PUT ON THE ROMANCE
Being raped when you were 16 wasn't your fault, even if you'd been drinking or what ever it still wasn't your fault. You need to not blame yourself for that anymore.





Show your husband you want him. Tell him you want him.





It's okay to sound a little slutty, believe it or not most men want a ';Lady'; in the daytime and a ';Slut'; at bed time. It's true.
Just start by giving him some romance ... kissing, touching .. he'll get the idea?!
wear sexy things around the house , grab his butt, buy toys for him to try on you, ASK HE'S YOUR HUSBAND